Ph.D. Psychologist

Marriage needs much cooperation and perserverance from both partners in order for it to be fulfilling. 

1. Dreaming/Feeling "Good" Stage

The first stage of marriage tends to be the dreaming stage.  Couples find themselves to be more willing to give, more willing to pursue, and more willing to sacrifice. 

The reality of life's demand is not at the front of this stage.  In fact, doing things for the partner may seem enjoyable.  Picking up clothes after the other spouse is relatively effortless, which usually does not bring on any signficant level of frustration.   

2.  Reality Stage

Later, the pattern of the marriage sets.  People pass the initial stage - dreaming.  Couples experience the routine of life as well as the demand of responsibilities.  They may redirect their energy to other area.  For example, they may begin their own pursuit of career development, hobbies and other life interests.  They are not necessarily pursuing their spouse.  This is the reality stage.  Some may call it the "independent" stage when the couple begins to search for their role or path in the marriage. 

3.  Settling Stage

The third stage is called the settling stage.  A pattern of the interaction emerges in the relationship.  Hopefully, the couples, after experiencing repeated arguments (or "discussions") will decide a way in accepting the other person or they will continue the fight.  Another common outcome in the settling stage is cold war.  Couples decide that there is little hope for a better circumstance, they live together in their separate lives.  For example, couples may decide to seek divorce after their children leave their home for college.   

This stage is also called by some as the "interdependent" stage.  When couples are able to resolve conflicts, they learn to count on each other.  This should be operated in a mutual fashion provided that the trust is still there after resolving many disagreemnts.  

 The issue of Infidelity in Marriages

No one plans to love someone else when they first married.  Yet, the marriage research and statistics suggest that the number of infidelity is rising. 

How to protect your own?

1. Daily water, regularly fertilization

The grass on your own yard can be kept healthy and green when you refuse to neglect it. 

Daily water is to ensure that your spouse is not feeling dry in the marriage.  Connection is cruial in the relationship, which is accomplished by meaningful communciation.  

Fertilization is done to ensure the health and beauty of your marriage.  Going out for a date or a planned event is like fertilizing your marriage.  The goal is to enrich the relationship. 

If you are stubborn enough not to water it, or not to fertilize it; someone else may like to take over your yard. 

2.  Do an inventory of your own mental/emotional health

There are really more than two people involved in a marriage.  Your entire family is into it.  Developmental background plays a significant role in your ability to build and to maintain a strong marriage. 

Examine the many patterns of relationship in your family history.  For instance, some mothers may only know to nurture others, but not themselves.  Some fathers may learn to do well at the job, but not in the home.  Some may have alcoholism, substance abuse, and or other forms of abuse in the picture.  Don't be discouraged.  The first step of a healthier life and marriage is to explore these patterns and be mindful of their power over your current life. 

A fulfilling and seasoned marriage can be compared to a calm, restful and spiritual state as though you are admiring a beautiful sunset.

Are you interested in strengthening your marriage? Please contact me anytime during my business hours.  I look forward to hearing from you.

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405 888-5299 Dr. So-Lloyd