Ph.D. Psychologist

Training Boys to be Men

There is a saying that when you fail to plan, you are planning to fail.  It is the same with parenting.  When we fail to set a mission/goal in training our children, we miss the target.

Parenting offers an awesome and rich opportunity for us to shape the future generations.  Our legacy and values will continue to pass on to our children and our grandchildren. 

As I was writing this article, I watched my 5-year-old son eating popcorn.  He asked me what I was doing.  I told him, “I am writing something about raising boys.”  He smiled as he chewed his popcorn, asking, “How do you do that?”  That caught my 9-year-old son’s attention.  He commented, “Whatever you write.   Do not write anything that is embarrassing to me!”  Boys. Aren’t they cute?

Here are some of my feeble suggestions in training boys to be good men.

1.  Teach them to play within the playfield

In other words, we must teach boys to respect authority and to follow the rules.  My 9-year-old said, “If you don’t follow the rules, you will be sent to the principal’s office.”  Some unwanted outcomes may take place when a child fails to learn this lesson at a young age.  It can be translated to some worse later in life.  When young men challenge the authorities in a disrespectful manner such as arguing with the police officer for traffic violation; they may be fined or sent to jail. 

 Personal boundaries teach us to respect our own and other’s physical and personal space.  Boys need to know where the line is drawn, so that they can play safely within the line. 

2. Teach them to apologize

Parents should teach boys at a young age to admit their mistakes and apologize to others for their mistakes.  A common problem or irritation in relationship comes from the husbands’/fathers’ inabilities or unwillingness to apologize to the spouse.  Tell your boys, “It takes a strong boy/man to say sorry.”

3. Teach them to use words of appreciation

The ability of communication constructively can help a man to a higher probability of success.  Often, using words of appreciation strengthen team work within and outside of a work place.  Train your boys to use words of appreciation.  Make your home a nurturing environment to cultivate the frequent use of kind words.  Teach your boys to verbalize their appreciation for their fathers’ hard work outside of the home.  Teach them to say, “Mom, I appreciate you making a nice dinner for us.”  Teach them to say encouraging words to their siblings and peers as well.

4.  Build their self-confidence

Empty words are meaningless, but perhaps, they bring some good feeling for the moment.  Watch your boys’ efforts in various areas (sports, building friendship, school), praise them for what you have seen in them.  For example, “son, I noticed that you listened to your coach very attentively, and you practiced hard.  You are an awesome athlete.”  Do not give them empty praises just to make them feel good, go the extra mile.  Avoid the common mistake of focusing on what they are not doing right.  This critical approach may easily alienate your sons. 

5.  Strengthen their resilience

Often, children can give up easily once they find themselves not doing as good as someone else.  Teach your boys to be able to bounce back after an upsetting event/circumstance.  For example, “I always admire how you can bounce back quickly.”  “I like the way you don’t let your frustration get the best of you.”

These are some of my perspectives in training your boys to become good men.  Please make each moment count in passing on your legacy.  You can shape the future generations right in your own home.  As you are looking at your children, one of the coolest things is to stop, think and realize that they have a part of you in them.

P.S. She and her husband are the grateful parents of four young sons. 

Before adults can become effective parents raising healthy young people of the next generation, adults need to examine their overall mental health.  

 Many obstacles can be originated from an unhealthy growing up background. 

1.  Power Struggle

Growing up with an authoritarian parent, you will find it easy to learn to be timid or to the other extreme - aggressive; this individual may develop a strong desire to maintain absolute power at all time. 

It is a good parental training to ask children not to be disrespectful by interrupting parents' conversation; it is quite different if parents use psycholgoical threats in showing this expectation.   Children learn to be inhibited or learn to be "bossy" with others by applying this learned "psychological threats at home.

For more details on parenting styles:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parenting_styles#Authoritative_parenting

2.  Putting unsolved hopes and dreams on children

Some parents may be knowingly or unknowingly using their children as a second chance to fulfill their hopes and dreams.  Often, a football dad can put too much pressure on their son's game because he may find it as a fulfillment for his lost dream at childhood. Or a mother may pressue her little girls to be beauty queens. 

Ask yourself, what is the goal of parenting?  You may gain some insights and direction by imagining your children as adults functioning in the society. 

Will he/she be a good worker, good boss, good employee?  Will he/she be a good spouse?  Will he/she be trustworthy?  Can other people count on their words?

When they face life difficulty, will they be able to bounce back?

Still have questions? Please contact me at 405 888-5299. It will be my pleasure to serve you.  I look forward to hearing from you and your family.